stream of consciousness of Unforgiveness


We need to be able to admit to ourselves when all we have been doing has been giving us all we have been getting……..and it’s just not working so maybe just maybe your instincts and methods of doing what you have been doing has been wrong. If that is the case, then it is possible that your instincts around certain things are tied to certain and certain results or kinds of results… so you should not trust them to bring you anything except what they have been bringing and so you need to jump ship on your own instincts. So if you are in that same situation that looks like the same situation from yesterday and the day and month and week and year and lifetime before… maybe the only way to get what you really want and live how you really want to live is to do exactly what our instincts tell us WILL NOT WORK… cause maybe the only thing that will work is that difficult thing that your entire being is screaming no to… because your entire being is lined up a certain and certain way with a certain and certain thing that is a reflection of an invisible mountain of emotions and hurt and pain – let’s just call it UNFORGIVENESS that is the emotional spoiler in your life- because although it is painful it is an attitude and thought process that was created in such a blast of emotional heat like a furnace too hot for examination and so you don’t want to examine or explore it you just look at whatever sculpture it creates and pronounce it good- although it wasn’t and isn’t good.. it was just a coping mechanism but now it’s an albatross around your neck that you will not get rid of although it is so heavy it is keeping you in the same place for the longest time. It is like when there is a hidden extra weight on the scale that’s tipping it in a certain direction and so you keep judging the thing in your path as heavier than it really is… or if there is a magnet on the compass that is throwing off the internal mechanism so much that you compensate and make adjustments and still head in the wrong direction when all along it is this unnatural thing that is (external to your truth) external to your true way of being that is causing you to want what’s to the right then move towards the left. It is that weight…that weight.. that unforgiveness that is like a burden being carried daily which makes you think the load of life is heavier than it really is because instead of walking around free you are walking around with a 300 ton invisible gorilla on your back and the strain is there because you can feel it and the monkey is there and you know it but it is a special invisible monkey…a huge gorilla that you know no one else can see because it is your personal gorilla born out of your personal situation…but you just don’t realise that although others can’t see exactly what your gorilla looks like, they can tell something is there by the way your back is bent out of shape and the way your attitudes have you reaching out aggressively for something- anything…any stable land that does not feel like quicksand so you grasp at air and kick and punch when no one’s there and you seem ridiculous to the world doing this unusual non-rhythmic dance that you have been doing for the longest time – a danxe that makes no sense because obviously there is no music playing cause whatever could produce that chaotic dance of contorted attitudes and distorted truths could not be music – well…at least not music that anyone sane would want to hear…so isn’t this dance a kind of madness? Yes.. doing that same thing over and over again when it’s not working and has not worked and will never work because it is not a dance at all it is a struggle to survive your own self imposed prison of unforgiveness. Let it go in Jesus name…and if not in Jesus name then let it go in honour of the name that is on your birth certificate. MW AH Michael Holgate